A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.