10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
They also CAN sing✌️
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Bill is short for Billiam
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
A fake ID that makes you younger
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity