The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Why font matters.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.