I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
This dude got his own movie?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.