my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day