God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.