I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.