At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
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CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.