Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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LOL!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”