all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I’m being attacked 😭
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.