Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice