A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
You Might Also Like
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit