who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: