“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
You Might Also Like
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Fries, not lies.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.