It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
From my Mom
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.