homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
oh you wanna fight?!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?