Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.