why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please