got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.