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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered