The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
not to brag, but mine was free