“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Home #decor warning.