me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.