are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single