My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
i was baptized in a car wash
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.