This is painfully accurate 馃槄
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 馃槨
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you鈥檙e calling me?
Me: haha no… i鈥檓 stuck in the chimney
Leave 鈥榚m wanting more. That鈥檚 what I always
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm鈥ass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
If one door closes & another door opens, you鈥檙e probably in prison.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I鈥檇 like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn鈥檛 named after a letter?
Why can鈥檛 I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he鈥檚 given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.