I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
You Might Also Like
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.