My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
do horses think humans are hats
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Kids: Stay in school.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!