Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…