Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins