i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
This was the best day of my life