“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Respect
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude