A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Our lord and savoury.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.