The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
😜
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer