My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.