I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
the icebreaker
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..