[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible