[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.