What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other