when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?