This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE