NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Quadruple digit IQ
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.