Lmfaoooooo
You Might Also Like
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Always 🥴
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine