Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You Might Also Like
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Still my favourite meme.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it