Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater