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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.