How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me