At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Ovenable?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
For anyone who needs this today
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.