Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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7YO: Maybe Iβll behave tomorrow and then youβll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying βmaybe?β
Her: I donβt know the future
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Instead of intermittent fasting Iβve been trying intermittent eating and itβs working. Iβm rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Canβt believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: iβm consistent
boss: but youβre late every morning
me: ya
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
suspect: i ainβt talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
this is awesome. I didnβt even know I had a first season. W
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.