Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.